Death

The news of an SIA steward who was found dead 3 days later had been quite disturbing to me. Well not really his death that disturbed, the thinking that the same thing might happened to me and it could had been worse. I am not trying to be insensitive about him. Well hope that he will rest in peace.

As a student who is currently taking Master with thesis and is thinking of furthering for PhD, it is easy to guess that I am aiming for a career as a lecturer or researcher.

Let say in future, I worked far from home, living alone with my cats. If anything is to happen to me, I dun think anyone will know about it. I might have rotted for 6 months before someone found out about me. My mum would think that I am too busy with my work and will leave me alone. My brother who will be a navigator captain won't be on shore for at least 4 months. Mr Pebbles may be too hungry and eat my fingers then run away looking for new owner. My faculty won't give a damn about my absence and my paycheck will keep roll in - even after my "death". The only reason people would look for me will be because my student need my signature for their progress report and since they can't find me, they will start to ask around and come to my house just to know about my well-being.

For now, I called home once in 2 weeks. Sometimes once in a month. Go back to my hometown twice a year, each time won't stay longer than 1 week. To be frank, I prefer to stay here, away from home. I feel more free. Dun have to be nag, dun have to be controlled and can do whatever i want (provided I have the cash). It is clear that in the future, I will come back to KL to stay here or at least go to Kuching.

Well in the end, everyone dies - sooner or later, in happiness or in sadness, in regret or in enlightenment, painless or long painful death, beautiful or ugly death, accident or natural death, everyone will die eventually. Maybe unlike before, my life is all mine now, I no longer have the thinking that my life belongs to others. Seems like life is empty, nothing is scary anymore, not even being alone. So for now, I am ready if I am to die today. Regrets? I have a few, but then again too few to mention. We won't know when our time would be. *puff, our candle of life can just gone like that.

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"We cant predict whats gonna happened, as long as we live happily and never ill-treat ourselves, I guess we will die without regret!"

Ray Brixton