Sunday, December 14, 2014


Must pay one....... cannot cheat sia. What is borrowed must returned.
For me, now is the time to return what I owed. I had been living my life for these 10 years. 
I had my fill, I had my share. No regrets. No matter how my life will turned out later. It doesn't matter, because, He had been the most wonderful thing that ever happened in my life.
When I think of it this way, my depression seems gone. 
2 years had passed. I found it impossible to love another man beside him. 
Sex? It felt empty if that man is not him; Maybe I am just being demisexual?
When a man, lost his love, all that can drive him to live will be career.
I had returned to Sarawak. It had been one week here. I already got a job too.
**Just an update 

Friday, October 10, 2014

The Battle

The silence that surround me,
The shield that i made to protect me,
The wills that motivate me,
The tasks that awaits me.

Friends that color my life,
Friends whose life that I present,
Every beginning will have its end,
Let me be the bad guy to lessen your pain.


The life that I knew will end soon. It's a phase in life, one that all of us will face one day. I had make my thinking deep and clear. Yea, I have to make my decision, not to be selfish. My life will no longer be mine (maybe). 

These five years living abroad and another 4 far from family. I now realized, my family need me more now. No more running away..... No more hiding..... No more excuse..... I had my fill in these 10 years. Its time to sacrifice my freedom. It's time to face my real battle. 


Just came back from Kuching from attending my friend's wedding. Sitting at the table with one of my best friend. He is becoming a father soon. We had our beer after the dinner. The second time I had em, two years ago since his wedding. It was the first time I got drunk. Maybe I was too happy. Maybe I just cant accept the fact, that my friends now are living in different phase in their life, We used to spend time watching football, movies, studies, talking about girls, about future. Thing changes, for the good or the bad.

This trip however, make me feel how blessed I am. People whom I used to call friends; People whom I had not keep in touch with for years and even decades; Still regard me as their friend. That feeling of belonged.... Strengthened my will to sacrifice my freedom, hopefully for the greater good. 

                           *I surrender*

Friday, January 10, 2014

Unfinished business #1

Oh yea, change my name to Mr ET.... whizkid is good... but aged already... doesn't suit me already... 老了。(No worry, not a depressed post)

What goes up and never goes down?
Practical answer: Age/time
Humorous answer: Fuel price/ais kosong
Other answer?

Luckily... for some (hopefully none), weight do goes down.... If you are aware of it. Another inspirational video went viral these few days. Wonder if you guys watch it, Story of Lucas Irwin.

Around this time last year, I noticed I start to forget stuff. I mean it is kinda serious. So I bought a notebook, bring it with me everywhere, and start writing down notes of thing that I do, stuff that I buy, place I been, appointment with friends and many more.

I got better, but not good enough. Thus discussing this problem with friends. Diagnosing, diagnosing, we came out with conclusion, that the stress at home could have led to this (I call that time period drama time). The theory is, my body (or my brain) switch on a self defense mechanism by making me forgetting recent stuff that happened. Usually I will remember to extend of color of shirt someone worn, what they said etc but during the drama time, my memory start to fail me.

Solution, I discussed with tuls before, he suggested me to move out. I did think of that, but, my heart just couldn't make me. But being away from this house I stay is indeed important. I choose to look for hobby. At first, I thought maybe chess or mahjong? Because I believe these activities can train my brain. However I didn't manage to find any kaki. During that time, I played boardgame instead - Catan, Munchkin etc. But then again it does not sustain.

Slowly and slowly, I get to know people in Comic Mart (Midvaley). Slowly and slowly I involved in Magic the gathering. Slowly and slowly I made new friends. It had been a wonderful time.

1 year later.
My memory problem seems to lessen. I don't simply forget stuff now. I still play magic, but lesser. Brain problem gone I think. So I guess now I can try to settle another problem. A problem that I faced after I came to KL to study..... Weight problem.

My weight went down, compare to 2 years ago. Last year, it neither goes up but it also don't goes down. I tried but my health was not so good last year. However, this shall not be an excuse not to finish my unfinished business... since I targeted last year to wear pants of certain size for x'mas. This year I must reach my target. Fight on!

Monday, January 6, 2014

Happy New Year

Hope it is not too late tho, still first week of new year mah. 

So I just came back from The Land of the Hornbill.
During the Xmas week, monsoon was strong. On the fifth day of xmas, it rain non-stop and my hometown was flooded. My house was rather low... but miraculously my house area was not flooded. Thx to all who called me asking abt my houses :3
Other places were flooded badly... first storey was totally invaded by water...

Now talking about celebrating new year.  My family was not really celebrating...... Only me kepoh-kepoh buying the food... doing barbecue etc.... haiz.... and I always thought of celebrating new year with them as if it is my last... instead..... the mood is gone. My younger brother and sister also... haiz...... left me alone with my parents.... (can't blame them lar, work and study ma)

Regarding the year's resolution. I only have 1 for the whole list:
1. Finishing the unfinished business. (Now thats a lot!!)

Looking back into last year..... It happened to be 1 of my worst year. Hope this year will do me good.... Haha. Cheerio.

Wonder if you guys watched his video. Troye Sivan is one of my favorite youtuber! He is kinda funny and cute and.... I can just feel the life force in him. hahahahahaha