Zombie say hi

 Zombie.... yay..... I think I am becoming  already became a zombie.

Yup, in the end I ended up engaged to this girl whom my family arranged for me. She is a good girl. 

I remembered what I told my best friend before.... only thing I can promise her is that she will be the only woman in my life. Of course I cant tell her if there not gonna be any more guys. 

But..... as i am getting older..... the libido isn't there anymore. Something wrong? Within these 3 years, do have some encounter, but end up..... not enjoying them...

Hmmmm.... as i said before... I surrender..... i am not gonna fight... not gonna resist.... not gonna do anything. I am a prisoner in my own mind and in the end I turned into zombie.
How it gonna end..... not ugly i hope........

Credit

Must pay one....... cannot cheat sia. What is borrowed must returned.

For me, now is the time to return what I owed. I had been living my life for these 10 years. 

I had my fill, I had my share. No regrets. No matter how my life will turned out later. It doesn't matter, because, He had been the most wonderful thing that ever happened in my life.

When I think of it this way, my depression seems gone. 

2 years had passed. I found it impossible to love another man beside him. 

Sex? It felt empty if that man is not him; Maybe I am just being demisexual?

When a man, lost his love, all that can drive him to live will be career.

I had returned to Sarawak. It had been one week here. I already got a job too.

**Just an update 

The Battle

The silence that surround me,

The shield that i made to protect me,

The wills that motivate me,

The tasks that awaits me.

Friends that color my life,

Friends whose life that I present,

Every beginning will have its end,

Let me be the bad guy to lessen your pain.

**********************************

The life that I knew will end soon. It's a phase in life, one that all of us will face one day. I had make my thinking deep and clear. Yea, I have to make my decision, not to be selfish. My life will no longer be mine (maybe). 

These five years living abroad and another 4 far from family. I now realized, my family need me more now. No more running away..... No more hiding..... No more excuse..... I had my fill in these 10 years. Its time to sacrifice my freedom. It's time to face my real battle. 

**********************************

Just came back from Kuching from attending my friend's wedding. Sitting at the table with one of my best friend. He is becoming a father soon. We had our beer after the dinner. The second time I had em, two years ago since his wedding. It was the first time I got drunk. Maybe I was too happy. Maybe I just cant accept the fact, that my friends now are living in different phase in their life, We used to spend time watching football, movies, studies, talking about girls, about future. Thing changes, for the good or the bad.

This trip however, make me feel how blessed I am. People whom I used to call friends; People whom I had not keep in touch with for years and even decades; Still regard me as their friend. That feeling of belonged.... Strengthened my will to sacrifice my freedom, hopefully for the greater good. 

*********************************

                           *I surrender*

 

Unfinished business #1

Oh yea, change my name to Mr ET.... whizkid is good... but aged already... doesn't suit me already... 老了。(No worry, not a depressed post)

What goes up and never goes down?
Practical answer: Age/time
Humorous answer: Fuel price/ais kosong
Other answer?

Luckily... for some (hopefully none), weight do goes down.... If you are aware of it. Another inspirational video went viral these few days. Wonder if you guys watch it, Story of Lucas Irwin.



*****************************************************************************
Around this time last year, I noticed I start to forget stuff. I mean it is kinda serious. So I bought a notebook, bring it with me everywhere, and start writing down notes of thing that I do, stuff that I buy, place I been, appointment with friends and many more.

I got better, but not good enough. Thus discussing this problem with friends. Diagnosing, diagnosing, we came out with conclusion, that the stress at home could have led to this (I call that time period drama time). The theory is, my body (or my brain) switch on a self defense mechanism by making me forgetting recent stuff that happened. Usually I will remember to extend of color of shirt someone worn, what they said etc but during the drama time, my memory start to fail me.

Solution, I discussed with tuls before, he suggested me to move out. I did think of that, but, my heart just couldn't make me. But being away from this house I stay is indeed important. I choose to look for hobby. At first, I thought maybe chess or mahjong? Because I believe these activities can train my brain. However I didn't manage to find any kaki. During that time, I played boardgame instead - Catan, Munchkin etc. But then again it does not sustain.

Slowly and slowly, I get to know people in Comic Mart (Midvaley). Slowly and slowly I involved in Magic the gathering. Slowly and slowly I made new friends. It had been a wonderful time.

1 year later.
My memory problem seems to lessen. I don't simply forget stuff now. I still play magic, but lesser. Brain problem gone I think. So I guess now I can try to settle another problem. A problem that I faced after I came to KL to study..... Weight problem.

My weight went down, compare to 2 years ago. Last year, it neither goes up but it also don't goes down. I tried but my health was not so good last year. However, this shall not be an excuse not to finish my unfinished business... since I targeted last year to wear pants of certain size for x'mas. This year I must reach my target. Fight on!

Happy New Year

Hope it is not too late tho, still first week of new year mah. 

So I just came back from The Land of the Hornbill.
During the Xmas week, monsoon was strong. On the fifth day of xmas, it rain non-stop and my hometown was flooded. My house was rather low... but miraculously my house area was not flooded. Thx to all who called me asking abt my houses :3
Other places were flooded badly... first storey was totally invaded by water...

Now talking about celebrating new year.  My family was not really celebrating...... Only me kepoh-kepoh buying the food... doing barbecue etc.... haiz.... and I always thought of celebrating new year with them as if it is my last... instead..... the mood is gone. My younger brother and sister also... haiz...... left me alone with my parents.... (can't blame them lar, work and study ma)

Regarding the year's resolution. I only have 1 for the whole list:
1. Finishing the unfinished business. (Now thats a lot!!)

Looking back into last year..... It happened to be 1 of my worst year. Hope this year will do me good.... Haha. Cheerio.

Wonder if you guys watched his video. Troye Sivan is one of my favorite youtuber! He is kinda funny and cute and.... I can just feel the life force in him. hahahahahaha

2013 so far.....

Long time no see..... haih~
2 more weeks then the year will end.... Yay?
Well, this year had not been so nice.... at least to me lor..... 1 word to describe: Sickly...
Tonsilitis seems very common to me now....
Met Dr this morning and he said... my immune system is deteriorating... hahahaha
Come what may....
***************
This Friday will go back to Sarawak, getting ready for X'mas.... Yeepee
However, 1 thg still worries me..... My master bila mahu habis wor....
Really wasted at least 1 year doing nothg.... mcb, kns
Now back to X'mas....
My mum seems to miss all of us....
I have this thought of going back home, don't do PhD first....
Dunno lar
******************
Smartphone, got my first 1 this year for my birthday....
Stolen during August..... kns
Bought second 1 this month..... Ninetology Z1+
Hope it will stay long with me~
*******************
Mr S is attached! With someone else of cos, wish him all the happiness in the world
Hahaha, seeing other ppl happy, make me happy
Although some may not believe it....
But,
Screw them, I laugh when I want, I sing when I want...
Hope for a better year for me next year, hahahahaha

Adieu for now

Cobwebs

#Cleaning# Cleaning# Cleaning#

Have been taking a break from blogging for months now.
What to update? Hmmmmmm
1. Met with Mr Ash few weeks back. Omg, he is like a twin of mine..... As in.... we do share certain interest in you know - guys. And I noticed (I think he too) we will looked into the same type of guy. Dangerous...

2. Back into Magic The Gathering. After long periods of dramas.... (to be frank my drama although I thought it had ended long time ago, it will just resurfaced)... Had been 2 months now. Investing money into a hobby again ~.~ Nerdy life here I come.

3. Mr.S and I still contacting each other. Although nothing romantic blooms between us, but he is among rare people whom I think I can talked my heart out with. Sometimes, friendship is better than partnership. Don't you think?

4. Yohohoho, got my first Android smartphone last month (for my birthday) T_T.

5.What will you do to a person...... this 1 will be in another post.

Well anyway, just want to drop by to say "I am back (in Arnold's voice)"

Back to cleaning~

Openly Gay writer in Malaysia

Few days ago, I read about a news article on an author from Sarawak. Stupid or brave, I have no idea what is the right word to call this young lad.

Well you can read about the article here Malcolm Mejin to write about gays next

Now. I had been going to the same secondary school with this author. Kinda gentle, but I think that is just how he is. He had shown talent in writing since his secondary school time. I know this because I, myself also read lots of literature paper and wrote poems for my own enjoyment. (sometime I write just to show my disappointment)

Blogging has different effect compare to book writing. Being author for either of this media, one may enjoy different type of pro and also suffer from different type of con.

Now back to the issue. When I first read this article few days back, there was no comments or whatsoever, I clicked the same link again today. Just as I expected, more comments surfaced and they are not of the good nature. Most of them are flaming comments and negative remarks.

To defend this young lad, he is not writing to promote gay lifestyle. Well at least that is what I am thinking. I think, he is writing to explain to other people, how indifferent gay people are to others, except to the sexual orientation. But it saddened me when, some of the comments goes like this "this guy is really something -using god to mentioned that even gay are human - gay is nothing more than a social behavior like taking drug or being a cross dresser -it is your own lifestyle that u chosen -your own path - so please do not bring the Word 'god' create everyone equal - although we should judge our negibour ......" 

Haiz*

Is being gay really a choice? How ignorant these people can be... But, I am expecting Malcolm to come out with a good piece of work.  I definitely will support his new work. Well expectation can end up with disappointment or satisfaction. Let see which 1 it could be.

Well Malcolm, all the best. You are in a very controversial shoe if you ask me. As a children books' writer, to come out with such an idea, in this country, I salute your bravery (I hope it is bravery).

Anyway, I would like to share a video with you guys. One of the favourite line i like is "If homosexuality is a choice, there wouldn't be any straight guy left on earth"  at 2:48, but i recommend you to watch this whole video so as not to miss any of his joke.
 

Happy Snake Year

Happy CNY guys. This year is the year of the snake according to the Chinese zodiac. Looks like (in the blogosphere) I am not the only 1 not going back to celebrate CNY this year.

Well, to be frank, I am already used to spending my CNY alone. It had been 4 years now. Well, my family is not celebrating CNY either - we celebrate X'mas.

However, few days ago, I got caught up in a terrible fever. Still have a bad cough now, but flu and fever no more liao.

So today, like my past CNY, I spent my time with Jack Lim (not in person, just his movie lar hahahaha). This time around, his movie is known as "Once Upon a Time". Pretty nice movie, will not spoil you on anythg about this movie, but I can say 1 thing lar, I will watch it in the cinema at least 2 more times, not because I don't understand the movie, but because I really like the movie. Compare to Die Hard, I prefer once upon a time. :P

Hmmmmmm......

Well, my friends mostly will be back on 15th. So, 5 more days lor, having the time to myself, ngek ngek ngek.

I may be alone, but I don't feel lonely. (Seriously). If I switch off my handphone and my Facebook, I am practically gone from this world. Muahahahahaha.

Anyway, happy CNY guys. Wish you all a prosperous year and a never-ending peace, wealth and health. Just like a long winding snake.

Shackle .... off

So I finish my writing - thesis writing. Now waiting to hand in the thesis.

After came back from my Christmas vacation, seemingly, there was a sudden decline in my work out routine. instead of daily exercise with alternate routine.. now it became a weekly work out session. OMG...... not that my weight increases... just that it didn't decrease..... sigh... need to find my motivation again.

Basically, I did read through the blogs around, but don't know why, didn't find the "........" (don't know how to call that thing) to write a post. Is it laziness? I also don't know. A lot happened this past few months. It changes my perception of morality and challenges my principles.

The starting of this new year is not really a bad thing to me. Blessing in disguise? As someone wold me before, what important is not the quantity of friends that we have, but the quality of 1. Among my friends, I had seen the one with dagger. He stabbed me at my back and blame me for that. It is painful. Indeed. the old wound also reopen. But then again, this time, thanks to that wound, I finally understand - It is painful because he is a friend, because we care too much..... in some sense, it is not his stabbing that causes the most pain, but the betrayal of care that I gave. Same goes to the old wound. This time, it heals very fast. At least to me, it didn't hurt as badly as last time, when I even dreamed of reconciliation of a friend. All thanks for an advise a friend gave to me, recently.

"Relationship is about the effort that 2 person poured. Not just love, but also friendship. So if you want to maintain your friendship with your friend and he don't, what can you do? What others think may not the same as what you are thinking."

Snow, thanks for what you said, this time, I recover very fast. I found my point of balance in a very short time. Sparing me of repeating another years of depression that I used to have. In my hardest time, your advise gave me a wake up slap, to see the world in a clearer head and a wider view.

I have a new understanding and definition for friendship.


******

Anyway, CNY is approaching, again this year, I will be here in KL. Alone. Again. But, I think, I am used to it already. Anyway, happy Chinese New Year guys!!!

Potted Basil that I bought recently.   

Back from home

Reached back to KL few days ago. I hope its not too late to wish you guys a happy new year. Nothing special for the new year resolution. Just gonna treat it as just another day after yesterday.

So, what happened during my 3 weeks back home?
1. Attend my best friend's wedding and became one of the buddies or heng tai they call it.
2. Joined choir..... But pretty fun in fact.
3. Uhmmmm, makan and minum. Satay-ing and wine tasting. My house held open house for X'mas and we ordered lots of satay and other food. Though didn't broke my record of 215 cucuk satays that i made during the Genting buffet last year but still ate a lot.
4. and yea, manage to reduce the potential-quarreling with my mum. Woo hoo.

My theme for this year is appreciation. Not taking things for granted. It is not a resolution. Last year passed with a blink. That when I looked back, it looked blank, well, except for the last 3 months of 2012.
For example,
I shall appreciate my mum's scolding, because when she did that, means she is still healthy and she cared about me.

Certain things, need to be viewed at different angle and sometimes, admitting you are wrong is more important than keeping your ego.

p.s: gain 3kg from the festive season.... expecting 7-8 kg increament in fact. But still need to put up more effort.

Scribble, scribbling

In another few hours, I am gonna fly back to Sarawak for Christmas.

I wonder.... what will you do... if you know the next Christmas is gonna be your last with your family and friends, will you try to make it memorable? 

or will you just let it passed like any other Christmas that you had celebrated before?

Maybe I am really born to be a lone wolf... in the end. 

December

So, I got back from Johor - family vacation there. Been to Legoland, and it is pretty nice.

If Genting was meant to be played by youth or the teenagers, Legoland is for the other main group of people.  From dating couples (I saw dating gay couple - thx to my kaypo-ness), families with small chilren or even the pre-teens, to the older people. It is a place for people to relax, have fun and be safe.

******
So, I believe most of you had been in a courtship before - courting other people or the one being courted. I am still new in this. How to say..... it had not been difficult, just "I like you, can we date" then poof couple liao.

This time, I am courting a person, whom i never see, whom i dunno and only chatted through msn and facebook. lately got his phone number, and use whatsapp. Talking via skype - no skype sex or web sex. To be frank, being me, I always talk about stuff like, work, interest, family etc. Those who knows me, know that I usually talk about healthy stuff. Not the usual - how long? how big? wanna have fun? - sort of things. Maybe becos I am a Taurean?

Even when my straight friend ask me what I usually talk about, I just told him the normal stuff. Not the sex, not the kinky stuff. Sometimes, these friend I ask my opinion on. And if they are being emo, I always offer my ears to listen - sometimes I got brushed away of course, wakakaka.

Don't know if this is just a mere coincidence, my previous dates are all Cancerian. And this person I am pursuing is also a cancerian. Will try to arrange a meet up with him next year. This month is to hectic for both of us.

Ah, and Tuls, congratz!!!! Happy for you man.

**** lost few inches and kg's but also need to lose more before X'mas.The road is still too far to go. OMG

Compatibility

Why you seek relationship?
 - Maybe because you are ready for the serious stuff?
 - or is it just for fun?
 - or is it just to know-how - the experience??
 - or just the hormone?
Maybe it is all of the above.
Or it just happened.....

But how do you know he is the one? I don't think we will ever know that. Because whenever we like someone, we tend to think that he is the one. Example:
 -Finally I found the prince of my life
 -He is the one, yea, he will complete me.
 -He match all my expectation, omg that 6 packs, ahhhhhh (sorry sound shallow bit here)

What I want to say is, that person, the one for us, is he written on the rock? As if, he is destined? Maybe, if we want to think of it in a more romantic way. However, wat I think more importantly, is he compatible? In term of, can he tolerate our bad behavior, as in, we tolerate his? If neither can't, then they are not compatible.

Compatibility, as I think includes if you can tolerate each other weaknesses. You can satisfy each other needs. Most importantly, you are comfortable with each other. Then only you can feel the heat of love. But then again, it is just one of the criteria, which I think is important.


by the way, for some people, physical appearance, is important example
 - I am 190 cm tall.... look weird if i date a 140 cm tall guy. : P


Just a thought.

But then again, when the time comes, it comes, so for those out of love, maybe he is not the one. So please, don't be too sad of yourself . It took me a year plus to understand this. There are more guys out there, and 1 of them maybe 1 of the one for you.

Gay housemate(s)

How does it feels if u stay with 3, 4 or 5 other housemates and all are gays? Or at least confused about their sexuality?
Orgy? Party? Open opportunity to talk about your problems? -> less stress?
What if majority are closeted? Will you try to oust them to other housemates? Or should you respect their decision to remain closeted even among other (gay) housemates? Hmmmm kinky rite?
Or is it in fact not a big deals? Let say if you are the only one who knows.
This came put during a conversation with another (gay) friend. He was pretty enthusiastic in looking for other (gay) housemate.
Being me, I just replied by - we shouldn't look at other people just based on their sexuality, we are all just the same except for the sex preference part.
However he keep on insisting, it will be totally different comparing to live with his (current/straight) housemate.
""Different?" Of course it gonna be different, however, knowing (straight) people, I know which group has more drama, so are you ready to handle it when drama happens"  I said
"At least it is the drama that I can handle" he replied  ~.~|||

hahahahahaha, so what do you think?

Updates

Weight lifting ... cardio.... weight lifting..... cardio
Yay, now I see 2 figures in my weighing scale. It had been months since I see these digit (secret for now). My worst had been  11x something kg (for my height... thats a nono)
High protein low carb - does it help?
For now mostly sayur and tomato - that I thought I am turning into vegetarian if not becos of the egg.
This time, I am doing it seriously. I have seen the minor result of 2 weeks plus. Digging out the Karate kata that I learn from the past, it had been a routine for me to train at night time.
Oh ya, I am only joining my friend in doing work out. They have this small room for gym equipment at the condo so, I am just using these equipment with my friend.
The sudden changes in lifestyle is due to my high blood pressure. It had been peaking high a month back. Not to scare u off (195/150) where the normal bp is (120/90). I refused to take medication. But now, due to the workout I am having, it start to reduce well (140/90). no more red meat!!! Less carb for now. Let see how far I can go this time.
Oh btw, I am having a crush on someone now. Its time to move on from the previous story. It is the past. Since he is my first, he always had this special place in my heart. But since it doesn't work out, no point crying your heart out. Right? Wow.... it took me 1 year plus to move on =.="

*****************
Quotes of the day since long time din post

"hm... whats 15% of 100... its 15!!!!"
                                                           From the blondest thing I heard today by TULS  

Fool

How to hate someone that you cannot hate?
In order to stop loving him as you can't get him back.
I can't ignore you, neither can I forgive you.
I can't forget you neither can I harm you.
Now the whole story is clear, and I realize....
How love can make someone becoming so stupid
Losing my cool, losing my head, losing my mind
I am just not me anymore.
If you have the same instinct that I do.... trust it.
Don't question it why,
because you might not be able to handle the truth,
the ugliness of something beautiful that you had been always adoring
In the end,
It is just an illusion\
and I am just a fool.

Scary as Hell

Did any of you ever being approached by someone you knew and said "Hey you, I read what you wrote in blog" Then you realized, you did write and never mentioned it to him/her? Yea, it happened to me few months back.

Thus for some safety measurement, I broke my oath and keep some of the post as a draft. I never admit it nor did I try not to admit it. I am just not ready yet... to out myself......

Sorry for the long absence. It had been a tough time for me. Maybe this year is a bad year. All I can hope for is a better year next year.

Back few weeks ago to my hometown. My mum asked me again, got gf? bila kahwin? and as expected my answer is "no gf, will never kahwin" - told her will sacrifice "kahwin" for my future career. And maybe, I just would.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

point to ponder:
"Subsidy for sugar reduced by 20 cent per kg.. why in the hell... a glass of ice kosong also increases by 10 cent per glass?"

House cleaning day

When we have so much in mind, it is best to channel that "fan nao-iness" (烦恼）- trouble in your mind- , into a more positive way.

Seems after all the episodes in my life, turning into house cleaning is a very effective way. However some people prefer opt to go to gym.

Living in a house with all boys, cleanliness is indeed a question. "I dun means guys dun clean up, but correct me if i am wrong about... guys don't usually sweep the floor or do house chores unless being told"

Some time, I woke up at 4 in the morning and unable to sleep..... instead of wasting my times staring at the ceiling, it seems it is much more beneficial... if i use this time to sweep the floor, mop it till squeaky clean ~~ or wash the toilet or bathroom ~~ or clean the kitchen area~~ it seems there are many many things that can be done.

The worst thing that i thrown away in these past few weeks is ~~~~~ few packets of instant noodles expired 2 years ago *dang *dang *dang - i don't eat instant noodles it belongs to 1 of my housemates.

Talking about mopping the floor, the feeling of lying on a squeaky clean floor is indeed marvelous ~ golek~ golek~ golek wahahahahahaha

Anyway, for the time being, house chores is done daily but cleaning day is set on Friday night~ Muahahahahaha... today is thursday... hmmmm

Chiao~

The legends

Hmmm, olympic start today, fasting season started 1 week ago. My blog had been in hibernation mode for 4 months, really feel like a season long. Lots to say, but will say (share) it slowly, no rush (hahahahahaha)

Being alive is not just about still having a body that breath. As long you open your mind, you will find lots of meaning that is to exist along with life. Being alive, you can create a legacy, be a legend of your own making. Example, just like the opening ceremony that I watched, Sir Rowan Atkinson, in 50 years from now, mentioning rowan atkinson, now all will remember this name, but "Mr. Bean" will be known at every corner of the world for at least another century, just like Charlie Chaplin of the past. In Malaysia, we have P.Ramlee, another legendary figure whose film can still beat the modern movies.

Then there are clips of The Beatles and Queens (Freddie Mercury's band) in the opening ceremony. If the world are not changing, Freddy Mercury will still be hated by those haters (homophobic people). Talking about The Queens, also remind me of "The Queen" - Queen Elizabeth the second. She lived to see yet another Olympic game in the soil of England since the last one at 1948.

Well, legends are not just people who impressed/ inspired/ stunned people by their result, but most importantly they have 1 thing in common - the spirit of not giving up.  Talking about giving up... the news of those committing suicide does make me wondering.... is that really your last resort in life? If you don't give up, you still have  chances to make changes and who knows what kind of legendary story you can create in life?